Oregon Is on the Cusp of a Major Precedent in National Drug Reform: Decriminalizing Everything

Come November 3, Oregon residents will have a chance to approve the most far-reaching drug reform measure ever to make a state ballot when they vote on Measure 110, the Drug Addiction Treatment and Recovery Act. While the initiative indeed expands drug treatment, what makes it really revolutionary is that it would also decriminalize the possession of personal use amounts of all drugs, from psychedelics to cocaine and methamphetamine, as well as heroin and other illicit opioids.While successful marijuana legalization initiatives in a number of states—and possibly four more in November—are nothing to sneer at, even if pot were legalized nationwide, more than a million people are likely to be arrested on drug charges in a year. In 2018, the last year for which data is available, there were more than 1.65 million drug arrests; only 663,000 of them were for marijuana. Historically, just under nine out of ten drug arrests are for possession, which means that drug decriminalization nationwide would result in somewhere north of a million fewer drug arrests each year. That would be more than a million fraught encounters police avoided, every year.“Our current drug laws can ruin lives based on a single mistake, sticking you with a lifelong criminal record that prevents you from getting jobs, housing and more,” Bobby Byrd, an organizer with the More Treatment for a Better Oregon campaign, said in a press release.If Oregon voters approve the measure, the state will be in select company. At least 25 to 30 countries, mostly in Europe and Latin America, have drug decriminalization laws on the books, with the most well-known being Portugal, which pioneered the way, decriminalizing drug possession in 2001. Instead of being arrested and jailed, people caught with less than a 10-day supply of illicit drugs there are given a warning and a small fine or asked to voluntarily appear before a local commission whose aim is to determine whether the person needs drug treatment and if so, to offer it to them at no expense. (It helps that Portugal has universal health care.)Drug decriminalization has worked for Portugal. According to a Drug Policy Alliance (DPA) report, before drug decriminalization, Portugal suffered rapidly increasing drug overdose deaths, a high number of people who got HIV through needle-sharing, and the country led the European Union in drug-related AIDS. A delegation led by DPA visited Lisbon in 2018 and found that since decriminalization, though, “the number of people voluntarily entering treatment has increased significantly, while overdose deaths, HIV infections, problematic drug use, and incarceration for drug-related offenses has plummeted.” Not bad at all.It was just three years ago that the Oregon legislature approved drug defelonization—making drug possession a misdemeanor instead of a felony—but now advocates are already prepared to push further down the Portuguese path. That’s because while, according to the state Criminal Justice Commission (CJC), drug defelonization indeed resulted in felony drug convictions dropping by nearly two-thirds after the bill was passed (from 5,183 in 2016–2017 to 1,992 in 2018–2019), it also included a nearly tenfold increase in misdemeanor drug possession convictions. That translates into only a slight decline in overall drug arrests, from more than 10,000 in 2016 to 8,903 in 2018.Under Measure 110, those misdemeanor drug arrests would vanish as drug possession gets reclassified as a mere violation, punishable only by a $100 fine or by completing a health assessment with an addiction treatment professional. Those who are deemed to benefit from drug treatment could go to an addiction recovery center, one of which will be located in every organization service area in the state. Those centers, as well as additional funding for treatment, will be paid for with revenues from marijuana sales taxes.The measure is backed by Drug Policy Action, the political and lobbying arm of DPA, which has put $2.5 million into the campaign already, DPA director of media relations Matt Sutton said in an email exchange. And that’s just the beginning, he added.“We’ll continue to invest in terms of what it takes to win it,” he said. “The campaign is starting a variety of different ads and raising awareness in the final push. We’ve invested a lot already and we’re very committed to it financially. We think this is winnable.”So, why Oregon and why now?“We have to start somewhere,” said Sutton. “Oregon is a very progressive state and has really been the leader on a lot of drug policy reforms. It was one of the first to decriminalize [and legalize] marijuana, one of the first to legalize medical marijuana, one of the first to defelonize drug possession. It’s no surprise that Oregon would be an attractive state to do this in.”“The special nature of this year, with its double whammy of enduring [the] pandemic and its long, hot summer of street protests around racial justice and police brutality, makes drug decriminalization all the more relevant,” Sutton said.“Having a state like Oregon that has been a progressive leader take this on will signal to the rest of the country that this can be done and that it’s not actually that radical of a proposition,” Sutton added. “And just in terms of everything that’s happened this year—COVID-19 and the awakening to racial injustice—it just doesn’t seem [like] such a radical proposition. With COVID-19 we’ve seen the discrepancies in the health care system.”“It’s the same communities that are being overpoliced and have been hit hardest by the war on drugs,” he continued. “And people are realizing that the war on drugs is racist. The real reason behind the war on drugs was to criminalize and marginalize communities of color, and we’ve demonized drugs and the people who use them. The drug war hasn’t made drugs less accessible to youth, but instead, we get a lot more people incarcerated and dying of drug use. The more we criminalize it, the more dangerous it becomes.”In an August report, the state CJC made clear just what sort of impact drug decriminalization would have on racial inequities, and the results are impressive: Racial disparities in drug arrests would drop by an astounding 95 percent.The report also found that decriminalization would radically reduce overall drug convictions, with projected convictions of Black and Indigenous people declining by an equally astounding 94 percent.“This drop in convictions will result in fewer collateral consequences stemming from criminal justice system involvement, which include difficulties in finding employment, loss of access to student loans for education, difficulties in obtaining housing, restrictions on professional licensing, and others,” the report found.“This report only scratches the surface,” Kayse Jama, executive director of Unite Oregon, said in a press release. “Drugs are too often used as an excuse to disproportionately target Black and Brown Oregonians and economically disadvantaged communities.”“This initiative addresses those racial disparities more than anything,” said DPA’s Sutton. “It will help those communities that have been down for far too long. A lot of the economic problems we see there are a result of decades of drug war, taking generations of people out of their homes and saddling them with felony convictions. This would be a huge win in taking drug reform to the next level. It doesn’t solve all the problems of drug prohibition—people would still be charged with distribution and drug-induced homicide—but it would still be a huge step forward.”And now, a broad coalition of change agents are uniting to push the initiative to victory in November. Endorsements range from national and international groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union, AFSCME, the National Association of Social Workers, and Human Rights Watch, as well as dozens of state and local racial justice, human rights, and religious groups and groups representing health and social welfare professionals.“We’ve received an incredible amount of support, and it’s really broad,” said Sutton. “And there is no organized opposition.”If things go well in November, DPA and its lobbying and campaign arm, Drug Policy Action, are already planning next moves.“We just a few weeks ago [on August 6] released a national framework for drug decriminalization, the Drug Policy Reform Act,” Sutton added. “This has been a goal of DPA all along and where our work is focused today, all drug decriminalization. We think that people are ready for that. We decided to release the framework right now just because of everything happening in the country especially around racial justice issues. People are seeing the direct impact of the war on drugs and the racial disparities.”“We’re already looking ahead at other states where we could replicate this,” he revealed. “Some of the first states to legalize marijuana would likely be the first to consider drug decriminalization.”Once again, Oregon voters have a chance to burnish their drug reform credentials, only this time with the most dramatic attack yet on drug prohibition. If they approve Measure 110, they will truly be the drug reform vanguard—and blaze a path voters and legislators elsewhere will surely follow. This article was produced by Drug Reporter, a project of the Independent Media Institute. The Drug Policy Alliance is a funder of Drug Reporter.

Finding Emotional Sobriety in a Pandemic

I used to work at this weird hotel and one of the door guys told me when he was in prison he kept going to solitary confinement until he was sitting there one day and realized he was the problem. I was still using then and thought to myself “Weird. I’m going to go get high in one of the rooms upstairs and think about that.” Well, now I get it. Left alone with me during this quarantine I realized I was the problem.Unlike most people I was so excited for the quarantine because I cherish my alone time. I loved it! I cooked, I meditated, I read books and I did a bunch of writing. Auditions I would normally drive into the city for, I was able to do from my apartment, along with our podcast. I saved so much money in gas! I did service, and still went to meetings. I relaxed somewhat, and it seemed like a dream come true. A nice, long, staycation! Minus the complete panic over the economy, being worried about family members overseas, and my aging gracefully mother who would kill me if I called her elderly (she is). Then it happened…..The negative thinking.The repetitive, negative thinking.Feeling like a victim.Not of COVID-19, but of the past, alcoholism, and that thing that happened in 2004. Or 1997. Or the day before at Shoprite!This has happened to me many, many times since sobriety and many, many times before that but there was always a PERSON, or a SITUATION that “caused” it. Honestly, I couldn’t even blame my boyfriend during the quarantine because he kept leaving and going to his office every day. I was alone, working from home, and doing whatever I wanted. I was having a great time!I cleaned out everything! Put pictures in frames from 10 years ago! Cleaned out every drawer, closet, journal, and my entire bookcase. I donated books, clothes, shoes, and jewelry. But still – I was LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. Because unbeknownst to me I had not achieved emotional sobriety yet.And I was addicted to negative thinking.And it didn’t just happen – my realization of it just happened. I was sitting here alone with myself and my thoughts and realized I have still – after all this time – been people-pleasing. And doing it in large part to get what I want. I was like (subconsciously) “I want what I want and if I’m nice to people and do stuff for them – I AM GOING TO GET WHAT I WANT.”Well, it took sitting here alone for months to realize once and for all – there’s a 3rd step and I wasn’t doing it, and people-pleasing doesn’t work. It’s always an inside job. Inside our own heads and hearts. For me, it’s only when I let go that I have seen the evidence of my higher power.It’s so hard to trust.Once again I am seeing “spiritual road signs” on the ground whenever I am outside exercising, via fallen tree branches. For some reason I get direction from these twigs and branches and lately they are all right or left turns. So it feels like something very different, and I believe emotional sobriety is the path I am meant to turn on. It’s something I never even really thought about but it makes so much sense now. I need to be sober in my head and heart, not just my body.I mean I have heard so many people share about this – that they came for their drinking and stayed for their thinking. I have said it! And I meant it! I just didn’t realize I was the CAUSE of my negative thinking by willfully trying to “make” my life happen then getting angry everyone wasn’t doing what I wanted. So what do I do about this? Because I have realized that this negative thinking is toxic for me and my body and I can’t have that. I already had cancer once! And honestly and truly I value my sobriety more than anything. I am nothing without it. So this is the next layer of my stupid alcoholic onion. I want to grow. I know that my spiritual condition relies on daily maintenance and as I begin to train my thoughts to the positive it has become a moment to moment training. I had just been letting my thoughts go crazy all the time and I was too busy to realize it. It’s like early sobriety again – taking it moment by moment sometimes. I rage at someone in my mind and then say “No, no – let’s go with a different thought.” It’s so frustrating and tedious! I have made this analogy lately that came about from COVID-19 and the subsequent quarantine.A positive one! Say it to myself all the time.I wash my hands 30-50 times a day. At least 25!I cook all the time and was a big hand-washer before all this – regardless I wash my hands a lot – right?So why not do the spiritual work 30-50 times a day? If right now, that’s what I have to do to get my head sober then why not? Pray more. Meditate an additional time each day. Reach out to other alcoholics so I stop obsessing over myself – more often. Spiritual hand-wash all day long.I can do more work! I started to do the Traditions with my sponsor.I started to do what I did when I got cancer and beefed up my program.This is bringing me to freedom – even though I feel a little beat up from all of this. Not as beat up as after cancer treatment or at the end of my drinking and drugging! And I am almost positive I don’t feel as beat up as that poor guy being in solitary confinement. But that’s what it has taken for me to realize I’m the problem. So ultimately it has been people-pleasing and willfulness. This willfulness has come from a lack of trust in my higher power.I have this beautiful higher power that has brought me so much peace and clarity – and I haven’t trusted the strength of that higher power. It’s like there’s been a higher power budget I thought I had to be on.I can rely on my higher power to not only carry other people’s stuff but to guide me while I take care of myself around other people. I can worry about myself and my inner life and turn to my higher power to guide me where I will be the most useful next. I don’t need to manipulate anything.My sponsor always says we can be happy. We can be happy, joyous, and free – and that we work so hard for that. So this new awareness is bringing freedom. Ah, what a place to be! Awareness!It’s a beautiful thing.A beautiful, uncomfortable, and freeing thing.Sometimes freedom isn’t comfortable.I am going to put that into my higher power’s hands, along with everything else in my head and heart.There’s a lot to lose our minds over right now. Wasn’t there always? It’s not easy waking up and recovering. I am going to practice (one day at a time) not fighting anyone or anything and accepting that I am enough – as is. I don’t have to pick up a drink, drug or thought today and I don’t have to fight with myself, or anyone at Shoprite. I don’t even need to take care of anyone at Shoprite! I can also practice being grateful that this quarantine helped me to remember an amazing lesson I learned at a weird hotel in 2003 from a poor guy who--I just realized--was probably recovering, just like me.

The Stigma of Addiction

Stigma creates harmful misconceptions surrounding people suffering with substance use disorder. A term that in the dictionary is defined as "a mark of disgrace or infamy," one that has detrimental consequences to those struggling with harmful substance use or mental health issues. Although substance misuse often causes erratic behavior and impaired judgment, research shows that most of these adverse effects stem from chemical changes to the brain. Yet, those suffering from addiction continue to be stigmatized by society.Understandably, stigma causes embarrassment and shame among those suffering from addiction. The combination of personal shame and public stigma is considered one of the primary barriers to effective prevention and addiction treatment. This fear and shame prevent too many individuals from getting the help they need.Studies show that only one in ten Americans suffering from substance use disorder receives professional care for addiction. Furthermore, society's stigma, negative attitude, and perceptions towards addiction keep people under-diagnosed and under-treated. Also, research and treatment programs are under-funded, especially compared to other primary health conditions currently affecting our nation. While substance abuse continues to be one of our nation's most prominent public health issues, there is a lack of effective treatment and mental health resources.Substance Use Disorder is a Treatable ConditionSadly enough, most people see addiction as a moral or criminal issue rather than a health one, despite scientific findings establishing the condition as physiological. Understanding the physical effects of addiction remains mostly misunderstood and widely marginalized by mainstream medical professionals. Consequently, our country continues to suffer from the devastating effects of the deadly opioid crisis. We continue to pay the high price for years of neglecting the effective and adequate healthcare resources required to confront highly stigmatized addiction issues.Time for ChangeIt is time we stop seeing and treating those suffering from addiction as immoral or dangerous. No one wants to feel lesser than, especially those struggling emotionally. Drug and alcohol abuse have only increased over the last decade, and overdose rates have skyrocketed. Individuals often lose their family, friends, and careers. They continue to use drugs despite the physical and emotional consequences. Sadly, many end up losing their life to an overdose. However, this condition is not only preventable in many cases, but also treatable.Stigma in HealthcareThe addiction and mental health crisis continues to worsen without much change in the healthcare system. It takes a great deal of courage to ask for help and admit there's a problem. It is our job as healthcare providers to respond with compassion and understanding. It is all too common for a patient admitting their substance use problem to be met with criticism and even let go by the provider due to being considered a risk. This type of medical rejection often leaves patients feeling hopeless and without the courage to seek further resources or support.Emergency Rooms and Drug AddictionHospital emergency rooms receive an influx of patients suffering from opioid withdrawal. ER staff are often busy, overworked, and have to operate with limited resources, especially now during COVID-19. These facts, along with a lack of education about drug addiction, often leads to them dismissing patients --who desperately need immediate medical help--as 'drug-seeking.' Rather than turning their backs on patients, ER should have specialized staff to direct these patients into medically assisted detoxification, followed by providing mental healthcare resources. Instead, addicted people go back to the streets and continue using drugs. Sadly, this fault in our healthcare system perpetuates the cycle of addiction. Each time a healthcare worker misses the chance to provide the appropriate level of care, a life may be lost.The Need for Change in Addiction TreatmentRehab centers across the nation are overcrowded because there is not enough access to addiction treatment, let alone adequate care. Repeated treatment is also prevalent because rehabs do not adequately address each patient's medical and emotional needs. Consequently, the real issues that led to addiction go untreated, and immediate relapse is inevitable. To ensure those suffering from addiction or mental health conditions receive the help they need, we must fix the broken system. We need to educate the public about how different substances can affect the sympathetic nervous system and how most people affected by substance use do not have enough control over their actions and behavior.All levels of healthcare professionals must receive training on the intersection of drug abuse and mental health, as well as how to provide adequate care for those patients. Then they can begin the healing process by treating patients compassionately and with the right level of care.The Benefits of Medically Assisted Detox There are many types of drug treatment centers, but medically assisted detox should be available as the standard of care. Medically assisted detox is the most effective way to help a person withdraw from opioids safely and comfortably. The chance of completing detox is almost certain, yet the healthcare system does not recognize this treatment.As it is now, only those who have the resources to seek private treatment can receive this level of care. There is no reason why everyone in need should not receive the best form of treatment for opioid withdrawal.Knowledge and understanding breeds empathy, an excellent tool against stigma. The sooner we educate the public, the more lives will be saved. We must change public views on substance abuse and treatment so that this crisis ends.

The Way In Is the Way Out

February, 2017. The house of cards finally collapsed, the losses and threats were as close to me as my breath, decision-making reflected a shrinking number of intimidating options and every person and resource I once had available seemed to be gone or receding rapidly into the distance. Like so many of us who’ve survived substance abuse problems and the mental health challenges that typically accompany them, my personal diagnosis of the situation was scattered, hazy and ever-changing. I knew that depression, anxiety, alcohol, drugs and a general sense of alienation had crept into my core being. My inner spirit and frame of mind was mostly dark, as though doors and windows were closing, blocking out all light.I pushed these conditions into the background as the realities of life - finances, career decisions, loneliness, and broken relationships shoved their way to the forefront of my mind. My concentration was on these seemingly practical issues, convinced that improving my outside circumstances would remedy my internal state. I managed my waking hours by clinging to the principles and contacts I had built over seven years of being in and out of 12-step recovery groups. I knew the drill. I had added a revolving door of other practices to my arsenal intended to salvage my sanity and to maintain a sense of hope. I can’t say with certainty how this effort impacted my survival, but I have a sense that they may have saved my life and my sanity. These principles allowed me to occasionally take a breath and to generate a new idea here and there. Hearing the stories of others and of their revival painted an undeniable vision of what could be, what may be possible. It was a major element of the essential ingredient that kept me moving forward - hope. An eviction that month, unemployment, the lack of personal contacts and family support led me to a “sober house.” It wasn’t an official, licensed facility of any type. It was simply one of many standard houses that a person in recovery opens to others who are sober, or attempting to be. There is no deposit. You get a room, house duties and share the house with the other residents. You’re required to immediately begin a search for a job, any job, so that you can pay rent. This house was a small 3-bedroom, 1 bath frame ranch in a working class neighborhood. It had been converted - somehow - to hold nine people. The basement was a row of “rooms” created by pieces of drywall. Nine men shared the house, including a kitchen and one bath. It was located in a suburb in the far northern part of the city, an area that I found dreary and non-descript. The walk to the bus stop was over a mile, and it was in the midst of a fierce Ohio winter. I moved a few things in, put the rest in a couple of friends’ basements and started my early journey into sobriety.In the early days of loss and transition, the mind is painfully split between its natural state of adopting a survival mindset and a near-constant search for answers and explanations. These two frames of mind run completely counter to each other. The frantic search for ideas that will allow you to survive the week, the day - the hour - are interrupted by painful images that arise as part of a collage of people, events and decisions that led you to where you are. In my case, it was a near-constant attempt at chronologically reconstructing key events and turning points that landed me where I was. The result was mental and emotional exhaustion while attempting to keep focused on the reality of my present challenges. For many of us, the first indicator of where to find relief is when we’re deeply engaged in addressing the problems of the day. We get lost in searching for solutions, which temporarily breaks the grip of the painful past. It’s a basic, early recovery experience that illustrates for many of us what the term “living in the solution” means. It’s typically short-lived in the early stages, punctuated by the intrusion of those painful, confusing thoughts. It’s a painful and challenging dichotomy. I found myself being seemingly tossed into situations that allowed me to survive, but that weren’t particularly conducive to maintaining mental health. The compromises and urgency that my situation required led to decisions of necessity, not of choice. During the four months in this house, the consciousness that I was gaining sobriety time wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. Newly sober, the days were actually stacking up, but the seemingly endless assault of challenges and a near-constant state of fear dominated my thinking. What I didn’t fully recognize was that attention to the principles of recovery, working with a sponsor and attending meetings – all of which is inner work - were the core actions that were allowing me to pursue external solutions. Finding a place of my own to live, a car and earning a livable wage were urgent matters. In retrospect it’s haunting to consider what the outcome may have been had I not been engaged in the inner work that provided glimpses of hope.From government assistance for food to borrowing money for the most basic needs, I moved through a progression of several failed job attempts - a continuation of a pattern that began several years before I was sober. My job decisions were driven by minimal choices and desperation, and all ended in failure. I was either let go for lack of performance or I left voluntarily, exhausted by the attempt to hang on to an ill-suited job based on my condition and capability at that point. I hung on as long as I could in order to collect a paycheck of any sort.I took a job that lasted several months stocking vending machines downtown for a business owned by a person in recovery. I left there for a shot in professional recruitment, which was my former industry. I had a 4-hour round-trip bus commute to each of these jobs. That job ended after a year when the home office closed the location. My production had been minimal. I had maintained a glimmer of hope that I could again thrive in the industry that I knew so well. It didn’t come to fruition. During this period I rented a room in a boarding house in the middle of the city. It was a small room in a 3-story converted college dormitory. Each floor had six rooms and shared a bathroom. There was one kitchen and a cooking area on the second floor and two washers and dryers to share on the first floor.A friend in recovery who was in the process of a divorce offered me a place to stay in a wonderfully renovated walk-out basement condo in his large suburban home on a lake. I got a job at a call center and paid him what I could. He began drinking again and it became a nightmare beyond description, a dangerous and volatile domestic alcoholic experience like so many of us are familiar with. This situation lasted nearly a year before the turmoil reached an unbearable level and the sale of the house was imminent. My sponsor was the next to offer me a room in his home. I moved in, maintained my call-center job, and maximized my hours there. After several months I was approved for a surprisingly functional used car and a studio apartment! I had been borrowing cars and paying what I could. I now had transportation and a private place of my own. With just a twin mattress and an air mattress on the floor, a table and lamp or two, I had finally landed in a place of my own. It had taken nearly two-and-a-half years and stops at four separate living quarters. An extraordinary gift during this period was that my daughter, who was between nine and 11 years-old at the time, had rarely missed a weekend with me. I lived for those moments I spent with her and my older daughter. I’ll forever be grateful to my ex-wife for allowing that time I had with her. My entire being would be focused on my daughters when we were together and it provided the “out-of-self” experience that so many of us desperately need to recover.Over the course of this chaotic period of self-doubt, anxiety and confusion, I was attending meetings, and attempting to apply the principles of the 12 steps in my life. From those first few months at the sober house until I had been in the studio apartment for one year, I had put together three-and-a-half years of sobriety. It was shocking when I took time to consider it. My inner resources were being fed by powerful concepts and my external life was a constant flurry of urgent action. The challenges were still terrifying and stability wasn’t a luxury that I possessed. But I was sober. It was enough to keep me going in a life that, at times, still seemed like it may not be worth living. But that sense was diminishing. I realized I had gained sober time by developing inner growth that allowed me to survive the external battles. I began to notice that I had a kernel of faith that life would eventually lead me in the right direction if I followed sound principles. I was still experiencing shame, self-loathing, regret and confusion. The fear and sadness were nearly unbearable at times and I would begin to think it was permanent, that all was lost. But I would always emerge after quiet reflection with just enough energy and creativity to develop new ideas and hope. A change was occurring.I eventually lost the job at the call-center, quickly landed another similar job, and barely hung on to my apartment and car. I wasn’t able to meet the standards in this new job. It lasted several months and was just enough to keep me hanging by a thread – with some financial help from long-time friends and my sponsor.With just over 3 years of sobriety, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. I spent most of my time alone. In-person meetings disappeared and I attended occasional meetings online. It was a lonely period, but something in me recognized that it was also time I could spend continuing to focus on healthy activities that would feed my spirit and internal state. I had found a job in the vocational rehabilitation field, an area that I had been considering. I saw it as an opportunity to bring my past business experience into a social services field that would be rewarding and substantial. During the early stage of this job, I was able to furnish my tiny apartment. I was surviving. Money was very still very tight, and once the full weight of the pandemic hit, my hours and role were cut back and it again landed me in a barely survivable income level. But I had structured a life with a very low overhead and had even developed some small lines of credit. I was so used to a sense of terror that it took a few months to realize that portions of the burden I carried begun to slightly lessen.However, the defining characteristic of this period was that I was experiencing moments of temporary peace. They would either occur spontaneously while I was simply living my life, or during periods of meditation, prayer and listening to recovery and spiritual speakers online. During this transformational period, I began to develop clarity regarding the fact that an internal transformation is what had been fueling my ability to sort out the chaos of the external world. I had a few people whom I counted on for support, and it’s hard to imagine how I could ever fully repay them. The major person was an ex-college girlfriend who weathered the final years of my end-stage drinking, the four days in the hospital that ensued and my entire 3 + years of early sobriety. I had a sponsor who was a solid anchor and a source of practical, empathetic advice. After 10 years in and around AA, with over three of those years sober, I finally knew in my core being that I was entering a new life around a different set of people and principles. The way out of the mess I had created was to go inward and marshal resources that I didn’t know I had.This acceptance and realization of what was occurring offered a sense of stability. It was still a day-by-day journey, but awakening every morning to a feeling of immense dread was decreasing. I focused on my work and when the necessities of the day were completed, I turned to devouring information related to recovery, consciousness, spirituality and inner growth. The solitude that Covid-19 brought forced me deeper into this focus, which I had been attempting for years. It began to seep into me. It was more important and felt more authentic than what I was doing for money, than who was gone from my life, than the past. There were intervals of true liberation. Had there been willpower? Yes. But there was another element inside of me that insisted on feeling alive again. It’s was an experience that was unique to me in the timing and the type of release that occurred. Despite certainly exerting massive amounts of energy toward seeking solutions, the freedom occurred in moments when I wasn’t really trying. I felt lighter and less self-obsessed naturally. It was like pushing a heavy rock forward until it slowly gains momentum of its own and you watch it roll ahead of you when you aren’t pushing. It was an eye-opening experience because it was what I had heard and read so much about when others were describing an awakening. Something in my spirit, rather than in my conscious thoughts, had developed a momentum of its own. My actions and thoughts reflected it. It was primary, the rest was clearly secondary. It wasn’t a constant state of joy and exuberance. It was a deep sense of occasional peace and a sense of knowing that everything was going to work out in a manageable fashion. The painful default setting seemed to be just slowly burning itself out. This internal state has the power to overcome the past, the fear and confusion. I was learning that the light of spirit, our true internal nature, can extinguish doom and negativity. Before, negativity seemed to be the absolute truth and positivity felt forced. Now I experienced a place where neither was very relevant. Simply being in the moment and feeling other emotions like gratitude and acceptance provided more comfort than a sense of positivity or negativity. I judged less and accepted more. My small studio apartment suddenly seemed ideal because of its ease and simplicity. I was living in a part of town that I felt comfortable in. My place was a comfortable refuge. Solitude seemed like the gift that I needed. I started to feel an appreciation for others, a sense of compassion. Others noticed and responded to my authentic effort to go to any length to solve my problems. It was a path that I was eager to embrace.Nothing was ever the same after this. A sense of certainty developed that all was well.At the time of this writing, I’m approaching four years of sobriety. The wreckage of my past is still largely present, but much of it has been amended or is receding slowly into the past. The pandemic still has me isolated much of the time, but my work keeps me out often with vocational rehabilitation duties. I’m job-coaching three teenagers at a summer job at a water-park – their first work experiences. I’m assisting a former financial professional in her reentry into the workplace after suffering a brain injury. The reduced hours and relatively low pay will likely eliminate this specific job as a permanent solution. But it’s opened up other options, largely because I’ve found a position I can perform well. It’s allowing me to write, which is one of my passions, and somehow opened my mind to options and possibilities I hadn’t been able to clearly recognize or consider. Most importantly I’ve learned that I cannot predict what will happen, but I know for certain that the path I’m on, despite its seemingly chaotic nature, is one that makes sense in the context of this journey.For us who have travelled this road of recovery, we learn an invaluable lesson. Our internal state starts out in pain and chaos. The road back is long and at times looks impossible – but it’s not impossible. The time factor varies for all of us. But we all learn that there is a part of our core being that once rediscovered starts to feel familiar and comfortable. It’s authentic, which is what the search was all about from the start.We all learn, in our own individual ways, that going inward, into the truth of who we are, ignites something that we thought was gone. Once that ignition takes place, we simply have to feed and follow the spark to find the way out.

How to Prepare When Your Loved One Comes Home from Treatment

When a loved one goes to rehab for drug or alcohol abuse, a lot can change in a short period of time. Welcoming your family member or friend home is a happy moment, but it can also be awkward. Many people struggle to trust that their loved one has changed, or to give them the space and grace to continue healing.When your loved one comes home from rehab, they need love and support more than ever. Yet, it’s important to deliver that without seeming overbearing. Here are 4 tips for helping a loved one who is returning home from rehab.Ask them what they want from you. The best way to know how to support your loved one is to ask them how you can best be there for them during this transition period. Everyone who completes drug or alcohol rehab is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all way to help them feel at home after treatment.Instead of assuming that you know what your loved one wants at this time, have an open and honest conversation. This can be hard for people who have been in a caregiving role, particularly mothers or spouses. It’s tempting to just fall back into that caregiving role, but it might not be what’s best. Instead, your loved one might tell you that they need some space, or ask you to not ask them too many questions about their recovery.Set clear expectations. At the same time, you do have a right to understand what’s going on with your loved one, especially if they are living in your home. Chances are, they’ve broken your trust in the past during their active addiction, and it’s okay to still feel guarded because of that.During the conversation about how to support them, outline your boundaries. For example, you might have a curfew, or not want them using the car other than to go to work. Just remember — this conversation goes both ways. Your loved one might ask you to not go into their private space or tell others about their experience. Just like it’s important for them to respect your boundaries, you need to respect theirs, too.Give them space and privacy. Your life has been impacted by your loved one’s illness, so it’s natural to feel like you want to do everything possible to help them avoid a relapse. That’s understandable, but it’s important to remember that your loved one is an adult, and only they can take responsibility for their recovery.Try not to pester your loved one about their recovery — don’t monitor how many meetings they’re going to or whether they’re taking their medications (or course, if they ask you to take that role, it’s okay). Instead, support them by helping when they need it and demonstrating a healthy lifestyle throughout the household.Continue your own therapy. Loving a person with substance use disorder can be taxing. It’s easy to fall into your own unhealthy roles, like becoming codependent. That doesn’t go away when your loved one completes treatment.The best way for you to manage your expectations and master healthy communication is to continue with your own therapy. Work with a therapist who is experienced in helping families who are touched by addiction. Professional input will help you be able to navigate this delicate transition period with grace.Welcoming a family member home from treatment is tricky, not just for you, but for your loved one as well. Although they’re clean and sober now, you’re both actively working on healing the wounds that addiction brought into your life. Unfortunately, for many families, that takes longer than the 30 days spent in a treatment facility.However, if you can handle each other with love, respect and honesty during this transition time, you’ll have a great basis for moving forward together and continuing as a more healthy family.Sober Partners provides residential treatment in Newport Beach, California. Get more information at their website, by calling 855-982-3247, or on Facebook.

Seconds and Inches

(The following is an excerpt from a longer work)Chapter 19:Liar, LiarI called my mom and told her how horrible the college therapist was. “Mom, he wants me to sign a suicide contract.”“A what?”“He wants me to sign a contract promising I won’t kill myself.” I heard her catch her breath.“What is he going to do if I don’t follow through with the contract?”“Carly, how much are you using?”“I don’t know.”“Well, are you using a lot?”“What’s a lot?”“Are you using a lot? Like two times per week?”I am not a liar. I am a truth-teller. I was not using a couple of times a week. I was using every single day. From morning until night. Therefore, I was not using “a lot,” which is a couple times per week. “Not a lot,” I said.At the time, I believed I had answered her question honestly, but looking back, I was not capable of being honest. I wasn’t being honest with myself. I had to construct my own house of cards in order to be okay with all of my choices. I always had a justification in my mind, just in case someone asked.She never hesitated; she never kept quiet with the sobriety talk. “What about trying to not use anything at all? Could you do that?”I’d never tried to not use at all. Not since high school, and that sucked.“I’m just worried that the using is making your moods worse. You know, making you more depressed.”“Mom, I’m depressed because I’m not on the right medication. They can’t find the right medication.”“But what if you just tried to see if it helps to be off everything else?”I was sure her support group had told her there was nothing she could do for me, but she didn’t stop trying anyway. Instead, she sent me pamphlets and care packages and letters and called me and wrote to me and checked on me every single day. I would tell her how much I was struggling, and I would write plays in playwriting class about a young woman who couldn’t look in the mirror and was dying to get help but couldn’t take care of herself. I did not see the connection.“Are you asking God for help?” My mom had taught me to talk to God when she first got sober. She taught me the Serenity Prayer and to ask God for help when I needed it. Before she got sober, we never talked about God in our house.“I can’t hear God anymore. He can’t hear me.”I began snorting Special K, which is also used as a horse tranquilizer. Theo and our theater friend christened me with my first K bump one evening at his apartment. I heard Radiohead screaming in the background, and the cinder block walls of his basement started coming closer. The two of them pushed me into his tiny shower stall, saying that’s what you’re supposed to do your first time on K. So I stood there, fully clothed, dripping wet, clueless as to how I got into the shower or where my hands came from.On K, the dreamlike atmosphere inside my head accelerated. K removed the safety lever in my head and allowed every choice I made to be unfiltered—no more considerations of logic. I put every and any drug I got my hands on in my mouth. The world around me felt like a ride I couldn’t get off of. At night before I passed out, I would beg God to not let me wake up. And when I did, I felt betrayed. Chapter 20:Restless, Irritable & DiscontentIn the late fall of my sophomore year, my mom must have been tired enough of hearing me complain to offer me a challenge: “Can you go just three weeks without getting drunk or high?” Other than that pitifully short time in high school when I was dating the football player who didn’t like girls who drank, I had never tried to stop. “I don’t think you can,” she said. And that was it. I’d show her.Within the first few days of stopping, I could no longer sleep. If I did nod off, I was tortured with constant graphic nightmares. During the days, it was as though my skin had been removed and someone had pushed me out into the sun. I wanted to physically harm people who pissed me off, which was everyone. But that was rarely an issue because no one wanted to be around me.I clawed my way through those three weeks by staying mostly alone in my room, smoking, and watching TV. But I made it through three weeks with no drugs or alcohol, which convinced me that alcohol and drugs were not the problem. Because I felt so out of control without anything in my body, I knew there was something really wrong with my mental state. I decided I just needed to find the right medication to make me feel normal. And that until I found the right medication and the right doctor, I should have a little drink or a little hit off that bowl to calm down. What I felt when I got high for the first time after those three awful weeks was what it feels like when you’re swimming at night and you have to get out of the pool to go to pee, and you’re wet and freezing, and then you run back to the pool and jump in and feel the warmth all around you. That was how it felt when I came back to what I loved. It felt like someone had turned up Led Zeppelin, and the sun was shining on my face, and my feet were on the dashboard, and everything was perfect. After that first night back, I said that there was no reason to ever stop using again. And off I went.I’d been isolating, so I was cut off from the usual people I partied with. One night, I had a party at our apartment in an attempt to reconnect with the crowd. But during the party, something I took made me believe all the people were intruders trying to attack me, so I made everyone get out and locked the door. I curled up on the floor in the middle of the room, and trembled, and smoked. Someone banged on the door and shouted, “Carly! Let us in! Carly!”I covered my ears and curled tighter. I couldn’t get comfortable. No matter how I moved, it was as if I was lying on nails. There was nowhere I could place myself where I could rest.Copyright 2020 by Carly Israel, from the memoir SECONDS AND INCHES, to be published September 7, 2020 by Jaded Ibis Press, submitted with permission from Jaded Ibis Press. Available on Amazon and elsewhere.Tune in for a live discussion with the author on September 8, at 7 pm (EST) on FB Live.

When Is the Right Time to Seek Treatment?

Even during a global pandemic, many people feel busier than ever. The idea of putting your life on hold for 30, 60, or 90 days can seem impossible. Because of that, it’s easy to delay treatment for drug or alcohol addiction even when you know that you have a problem.When you’re looking for a reason not to go to treatment, there are a million excuses. The kids need you home for the transition back to school. You’ll go as soon as you finish that big project at work. You’ll wait until being without you for weeks is more manageable for your spouse.The truth is, there’s never a convenient time to go to treatment. In almost every instance, now is the right time to go to treatment — as soon as you accept that you need help and find a treatment center that meets your needs. Here’s why:Addiction is a chronic, progressive disease. Substance use disorder, commonly called addiction, is a chronic, progressive disease. Chronic conditions are those that last a year or more — generally for a long time. For many people, addiction and alcoholism are chronic conditions. That doesn’t mean that you’ll be living in active addiction forever, but it does mean that you’ll be managing this condition for the rest of your life, through steps like staying sober.It’s also very important to recognize that addiction is progressive. Medically, that means it’s a condition that gets worse with time. If you found out that you had cancer or diabetes, you wouldn’t delay treatment hoping that you’d get better on your own — you would quickly take advantage of any treatment option available to you, and intervene before your disease got worse. You should approach addiction treatment with the same mentality.Addiction is fatal.It might seem dramatic to compare substance use disorder to cancer. But the truth is that, if left untreated, both are fatal diseases. Last year, more than 67,000 Americans died from overdoses. While opioids get a lot of attention, it’s estimated that an additional 88,000 Americans die each year from alcohol-related illnesses.That’s more than 150,000 lives lost each year because of substance use disorder. If you recognize your drinking or using drug use has become problematic, you could be one of them. Getting treatment for substance use disorder can quite literally be lifesaving.Acting now can save your reputation and relationships. It’s true that addiction is progressive on a physical level — as you use a drug or alcohol your body will need more and more just to function normally. This is known as dependency. But addiction is also progressive in the way it affects your relationships.As your addiction grows and becomes more powerful, it begins to have consequences in your life. You might be late from work; “borrow” money from a loved one to fund your habit; or miss your child’s birthday. Each of those actions chips away at the relationships that you have. Over time, there may be nothing left to lose.On the other hand, going to treatment builds relationships. It not only prevents you from doing further damage to the people who you love and respect, but it also shows them that you are taking responsibility for your actions. The work that you do in treatment can help you build thriving relationships in the real world.There used to be a saying that people needed to hit rock bottom before getting treatment for their addiction. However, that’s a dangerous approach — rock bottom could be death or the loss of everyone you love.Getting into treatment now, rather than waiting, is one way to fight back against the disease of addiction. It shows that you are able to take control of your illness and do the necessary actions to repair your life. Delaying treatment is a losing gamble — and in almost every case things will get worse before they get better. You have nothing to lose — and lots to gain — by enrolling in treatment today.Learn more about Oceanside Malibu at http://oceansidemalibu.com/. Reach Oceanside Malibu by phone at (866) 738-6550. Find Oceanside Malibu on Facebook.